I am beginning to understand why old folks reminisce. We have time and memories. We try to sort out what life has dealt us and how we played our cards.
I think about timelines and how there is confusion in my mind as to what occurred when. I need to document and literally create a calendar.
I think about how I spent the years being a stay-at-home wife raising the five children while their father traveled and supported us.
I think about the debt we incurred because we acted like there was never going to be a downturn in our financial situation. I question our immaturity and lack of budgeting which created tension and embarrassment for all of us, including teenage children.
I think about not reminiscing, about purging the past like it barely occurred and just forging ahead with activities and busyness of an old woman.
However, I want to make sense of my life and to do so I much accept my responsibilities in the decisions that were made, bad, good, and those that really didn't matter. I don't believe there are many of the latter. It seems like all decisions affect one another.
And so I shall reminisce, maybe write a page or two, maybe ask the children for some photos to recall those times as my memory flounders. I made mistakes and I suffered consequences. We all did!
I have no photos of the first marriage, the raising of the children, the vacations, the graduations, family get-togethers. However, the children may have the shoeboxes or they may have disappeared in the divorce and with the deaths of the father and step mother. It's possible.
I haven't been interested in this challenge until recently. Along with the recognition of choices made that created disharmony, I may find peace in knowing I am still alive and willing to ask for forgiveness and one more chance to heal the disconnections in our family.
Let's just say that I am playing poker, holding the cards and probably have a full house of memories to deal with, gently and cautiously.
